Chapter One


      Everyone expects me to be this tame mouse never to speak, not to think and forget to be alive. I figure the best surprise I can find in answer is to win my own life for myself in a way isn't as another. Sure, I came in second when I ran track in school. So, I come in last with my story to tell. Last has a few good qualities.

      I know we all sacrifice something in our experiences of time on earth. Horrible, unbelievable, disgusting behavior occurs daily. To fall into as the prey is commendable with a great reward of lesson. To survive is even more of an honor of medal to earn. Eternity is still well in awareness of love.

      Okay, my eulogy is over for now. My points of interest are personal. I understand. My enjoyment doesn't care what anyone thinks of my reasons to be the last laugh on those big guys who always push me around. The little ladies to stand taller than I get to lose some pride when I finally reach my destination for tonight. Tomorrow isn't over either.

     I had to rest for a moment, catch my breath, find the week ahead of me for this lady to survive. I don't live an easy free given pleasure. I fight through memories seem to think to rule me. Some of those memories even feel to walk for me right back into the memory. Once you read this book you will notice what my meaning is to explain nothing frightens me anymore.


Chapter Two


      I had a mother who chased me out of the house with a knife, locked the door to make me sit outside in the cold with shorts on and no shoes until my father came home and blamed why on me. In her mind she did nothing wrong. To sleep in my house was safer with a spider in the bed I could throw at her. Not only the spider, but the mean garden snake I found in the garden I didn't know was once my grandfather's garden should tell enough how she should have found the snake in her bed. If this doesn't open my door to you as a reader for intrigue follow me a little further down my history.

      Out of order of events never the less true is all I am haunted with. Like the times I was ready to go to school on picture day never allowed. There was plenty of money to pay for pictures. My mother was supposedly sick. I think that was a lame excuse for deliberate hatred toward me from the day I was born of only to hear how unwanted I was. Why should I talk to anyone? No one talks to me. I don't wonder why I act as I do. I never wondered why I acted as I did. I was forced into a world of disbelief in a shock I still haven't gotten over. I probably never will.

      Never allowed to go to dances. Never allowed to have parties. Never allowed to talk on the phone to friends. I was so thrown into my own bedroom wall, made to sit alone to eat dinner when my family ate at the table together and to add I near had to beg to sleep outside on the porch of my family house to gain safety for myself. I did sit at the Sunday table of gold in prayer. I think was probably because I cleaned up after the family value of face time forced together by my father.  My sorrow goes out to anyone who has endured the alone as I have. This is a true miracle I write with an energy of hope I would find even one relative .who cares now. I never found one to care then.

      I guess the bicycle I got to ride when a child was a luxury in my mother's eyes. I wasn't supposed to enjoy a ride down the street into a brick wall of a house. I had my training wheels on. Children have to have games, the yellow rubber duck for the bath, outdoor fun, super robots, cutie toys, catch worms, dig ditches in the yard, jump in puddles of rain water, flip baseball cards, shoot marbles, play jacks, jump rope, hoolah hoop,  hopscotch, roller skate, ice skate, go to amusement parks and sled ride down snow covered hills with cats and dogs in the yard. In my years of growing a girl had to have the sailor girl outfit too. Kids have to walk far for a tomato out of a home grown garden, chew on weeds and eat grass no care to the flavor. I chased birds, collected robin eggs and the nest, played in the woods and liked to walk along the river. Rabbits were a lot of fun to try to play with. They are fast. I don't know I would want my daughter playing with the raccoons as I did. I played with porcupines. I do agree I shouldn't have brought bugs in the house. The rats to jump out of the stove at breakfast were enough to deal with. I was a country child. About the clothing for school when I was in junior high and high school I would have never worn if not for my father who was a good man as possible under the daily stress of support for a family. At least, he chose to see me through as a father should regardless of the fights and bible in the house. My older brothers seemed to be fine.  


Chapter Three

     Don't get me wrong. At my age, I do have a few good times to mull over in my always out here on my own with no home to call my own. My mother didn't want me happy. Her determination worked. I would be surprised if she didn't make me eat my own shit as a baby. Call me callous if you please. I am. I have so many bruises it's hard not to create a new bruise. Why can't I be happy? I live in a syndrome unable to break the curse she laid on me. Every day of my life I was humiliated in front of family, neighbors, strangers and to any friends I tried to have. If you want me to forgive, forget and beg for forgiveness stop reading my book.

      Taking out the trash for a quarter, walking a mile in the snow to get milk in reward with candy, delivering papers freezing my ass off just to have a bit of peanuts in my pocket amazes me I didn't run away before the age of thirteen. Sure, if I stole a watch to tell time because I couldn't have a watch was wrong, I get it. I stole my first wallet because I was never given money. My father's change purse was always missing quarters. I am surprised he had money for the bus to go to work. My first pair of glasses were stolen because I wasn't believed I needed glasses. Second grade was more fun with the rags I was made to wear to school from my mother. She probably would have sent me naked if allowed. When I wanted to go to a friend's pool party I had to run away. Figure this. If my mother was so unhappy why didn't she leave before she ruined my life. She had another child after me who was wanted. My father made me return everything I would take. He finally realized I needed attention. What took him so long? I did outgrow my behaviors in my early adult years. See how long it takes to wake from not allowed to have a car, not allowed to go to college, not allowed a guitar and not allowed to live my own life. Forty five records were fun though. 

      I am not a jealous person. I am more hurt I wasn't wanted or loved by my own mother. Believe it or not a Christmas tree every year with a stocking, the robe, underwear, socks and games never made me smile. The present exchanges we had were so boring. I was intelligent. I deserved to be held, kissed and touched by a mother who loved me. I always wanted to live in another house. The two weeks every summer I couldn't wait to get to my aunt's house for vacation was one escape. The other, my friend's playhouse with running water and a stove. I would have been better off without a television. Soap operas still appear to be the number one attention device in house normal on the kids without anywhere to go. Cartoons were fun and some of the shows to get out and survive in the real world. Sickness, violence, drugs and sex are the best devices for attention. Maybe, my mother got her temper from the tube. I heard my aunt treated her bad. I was the house maid too. A good lesson for those cleaning needs, but I was the rug she beat on with her angered states of mind.

      A baseball to the chest, my only baby doll with the head torn off and thrown out the window, my bedroom where I was supposed to be happy as a child I tried to burn down and the room in the basement I wanted to do my homework in I was never allowed only adds to more misery to remember. So what if it was cold. I can't accept logic was used in my house except to stop me from anything I tried to do. Laughed at for trying out to be a cheerleader, stopped from my studies to get good grades worked, crying to go to brownie meetings and lost within my only place called home was unacceptable. I was going to go back a grade in school to be with my best neighbor friend from childhood, but this didn't seem a smart decision. My grandparents were gone. My poor father died at fifty four years old. If my mother could have she would have killed me too. I tried to leave this planet. I haven't made it yet.


Chapter Four

      I can't use a knife to make dinner. I have cut myself accidentally I call as a memory. I rarely use a knife to eat dinner. If you don't find why from the past three chapters you probably shouldn't be in my story. If you can't find how then I relate a knife at my throat with a six foot guy on top of me ready to blow up an apartment who I kicked off to save my daughter you truly don't need to read on. As a girl took my daughter into the bedroom I just couldn't see harm to her. The complete story is better for a movie. To kick out a glass window was not easy with my child in my arms to save. Relate this to how many times do you think I traveled city after city on buses and in cars with nowhere to go explains itself. And, don't give me the give my life up for god plane of peace. No one should have to give their lives up for anyone. Don't ask how many times that line has been thrown at me too. This is my story. I will write what I please.

     I will live on earth with some of my mental blocks forever. To change who I am isn't the answer. Those links in a chain only last so long before they either have to be replaced or break without replacement. If only room after room of anywhere but home would go away. I hide in my car as I did in the playhouse. Only difference my father isn't calling me to come home. I did enjoy chasing skunks. One time I had to remove all of my clothing outside to be burned and then I was given a bath. Let me remind you not by my mother. My father gave me my baths when young. I was left to be dirty, teeth not brushed and only my mother knows what else when I was growing up. My mother and father would fight over me having a birthday cake. I don't think I ever got a birthday card from my mother. My father was the peace keeper. I was being spoiled with a birthday cake. My mother was grilling hamburgers for a birthday party my father forced her to have for me. She quit and sent everyone home. Recently my best friend reminded me how my mother pulled me by the hair. She would hit me with the mirror and hair brush. I got lice a lot. If the doctor didn't live close, come to the house, I probably would never have seen one. The bee hive in the shed I ran into when I played hide and seek was mild compared to how my mother treated me. I played with hail in hail storms. I sat under trees during lightening. Anything was safer than my mother. Tornados were fun. I got to escape into the hole in the ground shelter. My father had to call me to come out of there too.I

      I don't sit around feeling sorry for myself. I think of how I was bitten by the neighbor's dog then had to have tetnus shots. Not even a tear for me came from my mother. Later in life I was bitten again. Fortunately, I am well trained now in defense. I survived with minor long term nerve damage. About the same amount of damage to my mind as my mother gave. If this isn't a continuation as fear in running through a glass door at the sound of a foot stomp I don't know another way to rationalize how a windshield breaks in near the same place in near the same time within a year. Have you ever heard bumps in the night? If not then you don't belong in this story. I got the measles. Guess who took care of me? My father and my doctor. If birds and bees don't live in a house together there isn't a home. If history doesn't repeat itself we are all living in an unreal experience.

      I did get to be a girl scout. I was a majorette. I think my mother finally left by now. My mother said I sent her away. I don't know what kid wouldn't. She left on her own with everything my father bought her when she maxed out his credit card and left him for broke. He survived. She took all of the videos and pictures from my youth. My father was good about family memories. I near destroyed everything I learned and owned. I near destroy all now. I have to work through a negative was determined to drive me down. I don't venture into any successful thought without defeat. If you had a mother's love you couldn't relate to me. Was this also her intent to be sure I would never relate to anyone with love? If you don't sleep well you can talk with me. If you sleep like a baby you were loved. I will survive. 


Chapter Five


      Tonight is a calm night. I am wondering where and when I will sleep. My phone is near out of charge. I am tired of the line it could be worse. How about it could be better? I have come close to great wealth many times. Has my mother destroyed me so much I will never move beyond her? Some people say very possible. Others not so, only none of these people lived my life. I am told be thankful for what I have. I give my thanks daily. 

      Books bore me. Music bores me. Movies bore me. Science bores me. I already know the universe. My father always said I was too smart for my own pants. Cave men saw airplanes. Advanced mathematics has existed longer than computed. My mother probably was inferior or scared because I knew life was on other planets. Logic is an easy ponder of thought when used right. I know politics is corruption. Religion is often corrupt. Doesn't matter, politics and religion bore me. I collected one hundred twelve bibles in my travels never to read one. I did study the bible once or twice in my life. Religion still bores me. I know keeping the dollar isn't easy these days. I don't think it's ever been easy. To retire is to join the one form of security made for all not all receive. One job always bored me. The military bored me. I even bore me with all of my writings. My mother often bored me. Was a skylight made for boredom?

      I was a girl left hopeless without a mother's love. My feeling was helplessness. I never believed I was guilty of any wrong toward my mother. After my father died I went to my mother's house to see if she needed anything. She was just as cold to me as when I was a child. I saw the videos and picture albums under the television. Late at night I was going to take these, but I was afraid she would catch me then have me arrested. I am told now they are all lost along the way of her life. How could she lose my memories along the way of her life? She has dementia now. She is free of the way she treated me. I live with the memories always. I can't feel sorry for her. I don't think I ever had a brother's love or a sister's love. Was more a forced live together situation.

      The lucky rabbit's foot I carry reminds me of my father. He tried to marry me to the guy I never would have thought to marry. This would have been lucky for my father to get me out of the house. I went on one date not of my choice. I knew I wouldn't be happy when I got older in the small town I was raised or where I was born. I had to travel. There was more beyond my country road. After all of my experiences, though I often wouldn't mind going back home for the security of a roof over my head. I did a google map search. I spoke with old neighbors. Most of all the railroad tracks with the train horn going by is no longer there. My father worked on the railroad. I always wanted him to be an engineer so he could take me on the train with him. The fireflys still come out in the summer nights. I can't imagine a change of residence only for fire flies. Although, would be fun to chase and put in a jar by my bed for a night light. In my memories I often do lay on my bed in the house I was raised. Is very interesting as I watch all of my memories pass by.

      If I write anymore about my disturbing childhood I will not eat for days and still gain weight. Do I eat sweets because I don't know how to recognize sweetness in any other manner? Do I carry my mother's mental and physical characteristics forever? I sure hope not. Do I end this short story to start another for more knives to remember at my throat or leave this one as the end? There is so much more will never be forgotten. What road do I walk? I always said my mother destroyed my baby years, my childhood years, my teen years and my young adult years. My adult years are over. My elder years are coming with no change even on a try for my kind of change, a prayer and I will not settle for less as suggested many times. I deserved much more than I received. I deserve much more now. I still try to find a picture I know was in my yearbook. Missing pictures and my mother go hand in hand. My class ring wasn't even my birthstone. I have so many broken memories. I don't need consolation prizes. What next knife to my throat will there be in my monitone life?

A Knife At My Throat, Book Two  


Chapter One 


     What stories have been told about me within the family are untrue? I don't think I really care, but family is supposed to be familiar, blood line, brothers, sisters and closer than friends or strangers. Appears some family is so close. My family is rediculous when it comes to no togetherness. My mother sure did her job well to break ours apart. Or, would we be the same distant relatives who never speak? I sometimes wondered if the milkman left me at the wrong house. I was given away in my first two weeks of life then taken back. My mother left so many times then returned my head was always spinning. I wanted to scream either stay or go. This is crazy. Not only gossip central lives here, a feud carried over from any number of yesterday fights still exists. Shut the "F" up so I can study for my school test. I would sit crying in the stairway to my room with the door shut. What could I do to change this family division? The answer was nothing. All I would receive in response is stop swearing. 

     There always has to be one unwanted child somewhere. I was the chosen one. The first time I ran away I climbed out of my window on to the porch roof then jumped to the yard. I didn't know I could do that. All of the walking and playing I did when young paid off. I walked along the country road out of my town. I was never going back. I was lucky to get a ride with a trucker who was driving to New york. I arrived in New york city as if I had somewhere to be. If anything this unwanted child had some fun in my life. I met a guy who took pictures of me. I found only artists live in New york city. I met the local people with every drug imaginable. I indulged a bit. I worked in an Italian restaurant for a day or one week. I worked at home in a restaurant as well as other towns along my travels. I had many jobs in my life. New york city was exactly as I imagined from the Hendrix, Biaz, Beatle era. Hendrix was fun to talk with in the park. Biaz was a bit cold. I smoked a bit of weed in the park. This didn't mean anything because the air was coated with the aroma. I enjoyed a party at a Beatle management event. I got to meet all of the members of the band. After my father sent airfare to return home I never got to talk with the guy again. I was so scared to even remember his name. He would call. He even called when I was much older. My father would not give me the number. I returned when I was playing guitar. I played in a club. I returned once to live, but the snow was not appetizing. I returned one other time. A street person reached into the broken window of my car to take a sweater. I started to chase her then thought she must be cold. Let her go. I still haven't spoken with the guy I met.

     After my father died I bought a guitar. I did anything and everything he would not allow me to do. When he was alive I ran away to the local college. I figured if I wasn't allowed to go to college I would go to the dorms and hang out. There is a lot of security at the dorms, but I still found my way through. I partied with some students. Well, atleast I went to college. I partied a lot when I lived at home. This was the life I found more pleasing than home. The cars and car wrecks over the years from a couple volkswagon bugs to the station wagon I rolled over into a cliff and survived shows my driver's test of pass got me pretty far. My audi blew up after I left one of the many residences I stayed. I had an old beat up blue something or other I tried to drive to Canada. It was cold then. I was not allowed to pass through. The windshield was cracked. I was always on the run brought on by one experience or another. I had a yellow something or other gas hog I drove for a while. This one was hit in the rear. I was headed for the overpass cement wall when another car came along to push me into the median lane. The next car wreck was another rear end. I stressed the steering wheel so I wouldn't hit a pedestrian. The car behind me was coming very fast. She would have died. I went through therapy for many months. I was told the stress and slam on my breaks hurt me. I took the pain. I am prone to minor dings and pings aren't my fault. A few cars have been passed along without damage. Where would I have been had I a mother who cared about me? Where would I be now?

     I do want to mention to anyone who reads of my old days. If you use an idea or experience to make some money would you please share. I struggle to survive. After all these are my old days not yours. 


Chapter Two 


     On my swing outside, rocking horse, tree climbs, creek behind with fresh water, walks through fields to get mail and to the local tavern to get my father this was my turn to call my father home. Dinner had to be made. I always had a soda and chips at the tavern. I never knew these were bad for my health. I was allowed to sit at the table once my mother left. I was allowed to live some normal life. I enjoyed doing the dishes. We had the old tin cabinets with those old unmatched dishes. The matched set was for Sunday and holidays. The kitchen sink was always stained. I had to clean that. I cleaned the dining room furniture too. I cleaned the whole house always. The glasses didn't match either come to think of it. Nothing matched in this house. The saucers were cracked and chipped. If the dishes, cups and saucers matched for regular meals would there have been more harmony in the house? Would I have grown different? After my continual request for dish and glass sets as well as silverware sets we received what I thought everyone should have in a house. There was always food on the table, hot water and beds with pillows. I cleaned all of those too. I did my own laundry at a very young age. My mother refused to do it for me. She would do her own, my brother's, sister's and father's laundry. After my mother left I did all of the laundry. Did anyone in my family realize everything my father bought for the house was at my request? He didn't see the need unless I pointed the need to him. Of course no one said thank you for helping dad experience more love and growth. Only dad said that.


     We didn't have a chair in our house living room. I won a chair at a raffle in my town. Remember, when my mother left the final time my father had a lot of bills to pay. I used to tell my mother to shut up. She was so lost in her own world and wouldn't come out for anyone in our family. I tried to get her to get her license, get out more and be involved in my life. Forget that memory ever getting me anywhere. My father finally did get caught up then bought new furniture, added carpet to the wood floors I used to always polish, painted the walls I always cleaned and added sliding glass windows. To me were these really sliding glass windows? I cleaned those too. Even when I lived three hundred miles away I would drive home to clean the house for my father. Regardless of the strange way he raised me, he was a good father. I did appreciate my father through his life. I was his daddy's girl. My father must have thought there was more going on than just friends with the guy from New york city. I see now if my father didn't rule my life he would lose me. I can also see why he wouldn't let me have a dog or a garden. A dog and a garden can be a lot of work. Outdoor cats were ok. 


Chapter Three 


     How I fit into the world is difficult especially in California. At home I wouldn't even try to live there now. So many people here are about being a star in the music, movie or television business. I am short, a bit over sized, not really talented, my vocal tunes a bit off, guitar time now bored with and I was unwanted. I am older and I am unwanted. I have to let everyone go before me. Unless I sat in on a Jay Leno show with stars on my back, walked down Hollywood boulevard to remember my life there, loved Elton John to play a fan of his on a televison contest show once, was that ghost writer many times, my only other fun is my writing. I met many famous people in Hollywood. What more would I want to do? To hit the lottery is an ultimate goal. Win a house to live a normal life would be nice. Should I just take to the highways again to see how far I would get or just expect no more than what I have and who I am now? Do the new owners of my pug know they adopted a famous writer's child? Miss Anotoinette Puggy made it to Hollywood too. I now have Fia. I am always giving away. I never figure how to keep. What is the reason for this way my mind works? Is this my mother again reminding me of my no worth in her example of how she raised me to believe? 


     I see in paper. If I don't see in paper I have nothing to write on. How about the gift of money? How do I see in the gift of money? I would be much happier. I am not rooted. Why did my mother remove my roots? Pine trees seem more exciting than where I came from. Pine trees are rooted. I've traveled many places to get away from the continual life of nowhere to be never to find anywhere I wanted to be. Because of my mother my growth was halted in many ways. Because of my father I spent more time with people had no care to my life than the ones may have. I know my father had a hard life. So did my mother. This is no reason to lay a hard life on any child. I've lived in many apartments, rooms and houses to combine into a few mansions. The hotel rooms are many as well. I carry too many memories to collect myself into one memory I may enjoy living within. Two places at once isn't difficult anymore. There is a real connection to how yesterday can affect today. Everyone knows this. To make ultimate sacrifices never to receive ultimate sacrifices seems wrong. My father told me on earth right is wrong and wrong is right. He was absolutely right. Sure, I have published over six thousand various writings of my awake hours. I have many more I never published. No one helped me change my life even when I cried out to be heard. My mother would probably laugh in my face as always. My father would probably read my writings. My brothers don't answer their phones. My sister ignores me though I saved her ass once. My relatives are don't exist for my needs. This isn't bad. They just aren't near. 

     Of course I have suppressed memories. Sometimes I can barely handle the ones I remember. I've been near everywhere. I've met near every character of person in existence anywhere. I always figured if I couldn't go home keep learning something new. Shut your eyes and don't read my book if you don't like my attitude toward any variation of excuse used for one person to have thousands of homes and another not to have one. I was stupid once. I threw a chip diamond white gold engagement ring in a lake or river. I should have sold it. Some of my memories are vague because I have other losses more important to concentrate on. One such loss is my life. Does my family deliberately continue the division for a real reason or just to laugh under the breath of their successful manners? I am truly let down to be so unwanted. I did nothing as anyone could have ever done anything to be so cheated of a comfort with family. I am not revengeful. I do hope they get theirs one day in return for the nastiness handed down to me. They probably will or not. I won't be around to console them. If my father was alive I would tell him he did his best and still clean the house for him. If my mother didn't have dementia and I spoke with her I wouldn't speak with her. A knife at my throat still rules me. I may continue into book three or just leave book two as the end. Most of my other memories are normal to many other people. These still have bothersome attributes to add to the beginning of a no care mother syndrome.



A Knife At My Throat, Book Three 

Chapter One


     I was born with a scoliosis in my back. I asked for a brace when young. I would have the chance to straighten my back. I was never allowed a brace. I had problems from this when young. I was always accused I wasn't trying or didn't want to do certain chores. I have several problems now. I can't exercise as most people can. I do my best to enjoy the best life for my health situation. The inconvenience is a great hindrance. I inherited my mother's toe deformity. Parents didn't speak much of health genetics when I was young. If I tried to get info I was not privy to the details. I was always told wait until you get older. I was like why must I wait until I am older to learn of my possible health issues now? I never understood most of the decisions in my house. My father was still an admirable man. Tossed back and forth between parents was no fun. Why couldn't we have a normal family talk time? I was always in the bath too long. I tried to explain my back needs care. Just get out of the tub. I can't help but laugh at a lot of my memories. I know my parents had their own childhood issues. We all did. Don't take one issue and pass it along. Change the example. Do something better in the present situation. I did survive. Only, I live in a lot of pain could have been altered over just one brace. Cystic problems in my skin is also a challenge. I rest a lot more than I would like. 

     I took the bus to school. I had to wait at the bottom of the street. There was a shed for rain days. I hated taking the bus to school. As I was left to raise myself I thought I should have a different life. My father would wake me every morning before he left for work. I hated this too. I was so on my own to make decisions a girl should never have to make alone. Had I never known a mother of any time could be a different memory would have encompassed my mind. She really hated me. When I began to miss my father after his death I replaced what he bought me. Perfumes, certain jewelry pieces and other fun times I had. My mother never bought me perfume or the rest of anything. If I asked to try some of hers I had to fight for her to say yes. She had a serious fit any time my father got me something. Bats used to fly out of our house. I thought maybe my mother got bitten by a bat and never said anything. This was why she acted as she did. I always tried to find some good reason for her temperment. Could be the drinking she did was the cause. I was just unwanted I had to remind myself. The jukebox and pool table were my special time away from my learned reality. I tried to be friends with her by licking the icing bowl. I said mother you are a good cook. Nothing worked. She still would scream at me. How can a mother scream at a daughter who offers to do the dishes? How can a mother not want to share anything with her daughter? What is the purpose of a mother for then? Find a new birth system. My father should have driven me to school. I may have felt more loved. He finally bought a little ford was breaking all of the time. My choices may be from two parents as not good choice makers. 


Chapter Two 

     As I sit at my computer to index all of my pages of writings, I think in this present time I will advertise in a few weeks. I have a few readers around the world. I have a few in the United States. With all of the tragic events going on around me I don't remember life being so bad for people. But, I never had life so good. Sure, I am clothed, fed and with shoes on my feet. I guess the rest of my existence to satisfy doesn't mean anything. I am adding print, changing font colors, trying to complete today (never seems to be complete) and edit for mistakes. I figure if I receive an A now in the general acceptance level of my writings I can find the plus sign later. I do find some mistakes. I leave those for the percentage of mistakes per letter use is normal at a point zero, zero, zero, one. If it's good enough for me I am fine. If I have to look twice for problems I get tired and want to quit. I work hard to make every writing complete the first time. Could be mathematics wasn't used properly in my house for the final outcome of a decision. I don't think many people spend time on final outcomes of how their children will live. What they will find isn't a priority for some unknown specific reason. Could be the reason is no one would have children. There would be no society. This would be like the void of darkness. What is wrong with the void of darkness? 

     My cubbyhole closet was my space I would plan how to escape into one day I would leave never to return. One notebook, pen, star in the sky along with my want for my life is as real as I feel like jumping on my bed just to make my mother scream at me. That is, if I owned a bed and if my mother was around. I wonder if she would have been different had I gotten to scream at her always and tell her she was unwanted. There are many places I could be tonight. Instead I wonder why I got to take baths with my best boyfriend as a baby. If I did wake from my past experiences I probably wouldn't notice. A thought of interest came upon me. Was I early, on time or late at birth? Will a tonight ever lead me to more than all of the tonight's known? I realize for a moment how my father used to sit on the porch after work to have his cup of coffee. He kept the whiskey in the bottom cabinets for the other restful moments he needed. My father rolled his own cigarettes. I can't imagine doing that. The memory of a nineteen hundred forty nine penny fell into the furnace vent reminds me he had all of his teeth pulled. Why was this common in his time on earth? Those cigarette baseball cards were fun to collect. Why was my time on earth not with the valuable collecting items? Who has all of those treasures? Were they mistakingly trashed when the house was sold? 

     Do you have any idea how long it takes to upload over six thousand writings, do index pages, number all of the writings, edit for mistake, title what wasn't titled and write a short story about my life on very little money to survive for the only reason something to do I enjoy? Then I have these games I miss playing with my father. Heads and tales with the coin was fun. Heads he won. Tales I lost. I always lost. What was hidden under the walnut shell was a game too with my father. The typical choose which one of three had the quarter. I lost this too. I used to think he never put a quarter under any of the shells. The closed fist of both hands to pick the one with the money was also my lose. I still think he never put a quarter in his hand. Could be I had to rationalize why I didn't make the right choice. I don't seem to make good choices in my life ever. Does this come from the I don't care attitude I had when young after so much negative from my mother? I think so. Drama was so part of all of my life I run from any start of a fight, discussion makes no sense with an anger. Why do people play such stupid games? I loved clover and dandelions. I was told to stop eating these by my father. My father didn't understand the health advantages to good old fashioned nature. He could never understand why I preferred outdoors over indoors. If indoors was safe for me I may have not been outdoors so much. 

Chapter Three 


     Granted parents have the right to disclose or not disclose information about personal life to children. This appears to be the spice of life as a given name for memories not shared. These memories may be welcomed regardless of the shallow or dense experience. Some people care. Some people don't. From those wonderful hours without answers I was endowed with writing. I have a puzzle will never be complete. My father would say use a different definition of puzzle for the outcome. He always made me think a bit further into my thought. I forgot to mention all of the puzzles with missing pieces when I was a child. Crosswords were boring. What about help with my jaw cracking when young. How was a puzzle more important?



A Knife At My Throat, Book Four



Chapter One



     I can see why I am so a confused person. Not only was a confusing way of how I was raised I find through history the name changes would have thrown anyone when looking for relatives. My Italian heritage is the worse known for the ability to track down an uncle, aunt, cousin, relatives never known. Why didn't relatives want to be known? I figure I am probably safer not to try to find the answers. People didn't like their old names then changed these by a letter or two to another name. Or, were they hiding something or from someone? I know in the late 1800s and early 1900s they left Italy for a better life from all of the district changes and other unrest. But, 1930 and 1940 I don't understand. Sure there was war, bootleg liquor, cigarettes and other such events in America. Most of my family members were farmers, railroad workers, coal miners, honest people with a true interest in America. So what if cousins married cousins. They wanted to keep all they had in the family. Did the draft into military have something to do with name changes? A lot of my family served in military. From Ellis island records, memories, naturalization and other documents everyone seemed regular to me. The Italian mafia was always in existence. This was natural to understand. Just seems so strange when I try to locate live relatives, pictures, stories or other data everyone doesn't know anything or doesn't want to speak. I then run into a bit of info brings more questions. Don't shoot me. I am just a granddaughter looking to know more about my grandfather's life and relations. The rest of my genealogy is pretty much easy to examine and forget. Could be most were alive for a while when I was younger. My grandfather died before I was born. Why is my life so complicated?


     I am not fighting a losing battle. I am not fighting a battle at all. I trust this is my business. I came from a superb music era with a cure for my musical experiences. If I die this moment listening to my faves then I lived what I wanted most. If I die poor I was meant to. My family avoids me. I avoid you. So, this is how my world has been forced to turn for how long? Constructive lies seem to have been an inheritance into all of us we all use at some time or another. Are we all running from our own lies? Some people can really smile and lie strait into the camera. Viewers actually find admiration in this. I never caught my father in a lie. He caught me in a few. He was blunt with his honesty was never spoken in the pretense of he would lie if he pleased. He just didn't speak. I heard acting isn't a lie. This depends on the act. Bitterness isn't a lie. In the name of love often is. Why do people continue to respond in the gullible form? Maybe I do ask too many questions. Reason is noone gives good enough answers. Innocently born into evil isn't good enough for me. That story is ancient. The children believe it. They don't know any better. Come up with a more precise explaination. If you are only looking up from earth again you are missing all is around you. Start looking down to earth. The meaning is all of you stop the flipping bull shit on this planet. Some of us are not stupid and we do not buy the garbage spoken. Why does someone have to do something? Why doesn't someone just do something?

     I always seem to take the difficult way everywhere I go. I drive an extra mile when not needed. More money in my pocket means I can buy more gas. Who the hell made my mind? I make typo mistakes seem deliberate from within my existence to keep me from my own life. For this moment I am thinking what was I doing and where was I going when this bit of info came through to write of. I once had a thought intelligience isn't hard if I use my mind. What is so intelligent about my life? Just because I write, seem a bit more free than others, tied down a touch more, have some kind of talent, am older doesn't mean anything good. If anything I have life harder from being so isolated from my heritage. Who really rules direction? There are so many theories. Does anyone really know the truth? Speculation is not the truth. Form of opinion isn't a fact either only an option to present ideology. I feel like telling everyone shut the "F" up. Don't you people care about anything but you. You have all of these complaints with no basis of need. I have many complaints from a very grown base of need. I read and hear more excuses than custom has to offer. I can create something new yet someone would relate it to a cause and effect from a base has no viable reality. Then rationalize just to appear an answer is correct. Well, when you really find the beginning of time and the very first created evidence show me. Until then keep your records to your deemed position. I can be just as difficult as my family was to me. Harmony is another fake perception. So what if it is the 4th of July. Every year there is a 4th of July, nothing on the planet changes and by the way I can see fireworks near every night at Disneyland. January 25 is a very important date. Why not celebrate the way that day comes around?



Chapter Two


     I am not a generic existence. Some people tend to treat me as generic. Is generic an easier form to understand? Don't give me an evil little smile either. Evil is easy to expose. Why does the internet go off at the same time every day? If I spend my time as I spend my time this is my time to use as I decide. There is no book, no person, society with a right to determine my time use. I don't care what is deemed regular, responsive, righteous, communal, common, determined, placard, out of the ordained and any other word formation used in any meaningful sense. If I want to air my views on my website I will do just that. It's my circulation gets cut off from sitting at the computer too long. I pay for my time on my belief system. I didn't write the internet shuts down on me personally. See there you go again passing an opinion from illogical form. Then I come upon aptitude for how long? I can name many names I am happy are not mine. How about I start with a few politicians, religious buffs and other cloaked sundrances? At least Vitale remained the same through the years. A very strong hold for tomorrow. I am proud to be a true Vitale. How many Vitale know they are true Vitale?


     Do you know many languages were formed by a cultural leader not as the division of people is described? Why don't people take the time to research facts before claim to fiction? Are people afraid of the truth? Why are people talked into submission? Is this because the leaders are in serious need for attention, power over another and money? Whoever uses a so called truth is not true is probably the lowest of all life existence. The guilt trip is the very essence of control. Better yet to cover the lack of knowledge from within. We all study to our individual needs. Leave life as an individual need to learn not a force of controlled learn. For those of you who laugh at goodness I often laugh at the show of goodness. For those of you who sincerely share goodness I still haven't found one person shares from a true heart. A true heart is with freedom. A pure heart is the greatest. Why not forget to leave pure hearts to children and find how to have pure hearts in all of us? Say whatever you please or believe. This does not mean is fact. I've had enough of an implied variable used to surround real goodness, change the meaning of real goodness and example some imbisolic form of self presentation. I played hearts when a child. I've had enough of the mechanics following computations from some source of gesture is not in relationship to real goodness at all. Actually, I've had enough of voice messages when I didn't request a call, text messages don't help me in my life, television commercials have more ill willed side effects than necessary and health care companies to ring my phone at their pleasure to forget this is my pleasure they interrupt. I spend more time getting on do not call lists than living my life. Is this the intent on the invasion of my privacy? Not to mention any other form in temper inflicted indulgences. I have a right to be tired when I am finished with my day. Why must I remind people after all this is my day? No there is nothing wrong with me. If there is I will go see my doctor at my will when I need.



Chapter Three



    Why were my hair cuts always home cuts? Everything I did was by my self. Everything I do now is by my self. I still cut my own hair. Every time I go to a hair cutter my hair comes out a mess. Why is this? My mother used to put a bowl over my head to cut my hair. My life is so fucked up at Halloween I met a serious religious warlock then I find the witch waiting to cause some kind of turmoil. I cracked my cell phone screen, tripped to fall and seriously bruised already aging knees, had to unpack and then repack a broken refridgerator along with seeing her broom at the dealer when I was waiting on a car return. My mother was called a witch many times. I didn't call her that, but she was pretty nasty. Am I from a family of witchcraft? I don't think I want to know. I almost feel to stay in for the entire week before Halloween. If you think I have an attitude I do. If you haven't read A Knife At My Throat, Book One here is the link. http://www.elizabeth-vitale.com/aknifeatmythroatbookone.html There are five books. Should I have shot my mother, the warlock and the witch with the bow and arrow I was taught to use? I would have gone to jail as they walk free to torment others. The cap guns I played with were remarkable. My mother was my mother. I could never kill her. See, I already played hearts when I was a child. I had the nooses, horses and every other damaging toy available.



     Squirrels had a home with acorns at play. Basketball in front of the house my brothers never wanted me to play. I wasn't wanted in the house. I wasn't wanted outside of the house. Where was I wanted? I had sparklers, fire crackers, Halloween costumes, pumpkins, candy, trick or treat and anything else I wanted except the most important needs of love and my health. A superficial touch is all I find around me. I am the first to start conversation. If anyone answers is rare. All I was taught imagine there is a lord. Why must I imagine? Shouldn't I see him real? The whole world is based on a fragment of expectation to follow into someone or where with imagine. Why not imagine how many people will be beaten, robbed, raped, mamed or a number of other events and work on imagining how to fix the real problems on the planet? Such as police stealing our money in the name of any reason. How many innocent people's lives are disrupted daily? God wants it this way I am told. I know nothing can be done because there really isn't a lord to fix anything. How many people will be neglected while the religious buffs drink the blood of christ and eat his flesh as a wafer crisp? I don't need a bag of food. I don't need a back door church clothing room. I don't need a new direction to imagine a change or a crossroad is in the future. Religion is just a control factor of evil capatalized by religious people to continue the control, keep the evil alive and shit on people any way they can. Why is mankind so stupid and unable to adventure into real betterment by personal choice from everyone regardless of prayer or not? Here goes choice again. All every day is on a repeat of past choice without change. Sanity doesn't seem to be permissable. Storms man made or natural continue to damage property, kill people and destroy lives. No one can fix the experimentation on all of our lives too. And the lord again is where? In our hearts. Accidents happen. Someone try to mend something.

     My seamstress days were interesting, nylons, petticoats and watching my father drunk while I was at the sewing machine. My mother was tipped a bit too. Practice makes perfect I was always told. So my negative mind practices itself into perfection as my positive is ridden over with flooded compromises I won't agree with. I spent a lot of time climbing Indian caves playing with Indian artifices. Those were fun to flip as a stone across a lake. I spent a lot of time climbing trees. I probably played with a few meteorite rocks. Does this mean I am only now allowed to climb trees and play with rocks? Stop making me destroy my life in the name of anyone or anything. How about I hold onto what I please instead of a thought not in agreement? If to spend more than the value right? Now there is another stupified example let the lord handle my life for me. I certainly wouldn't know how or want to have the same house as that Christian on the hill bull shit. If you only knew how many times I have followed their Holy spirit spoken of to help many people only to be shown a bag of rags when I needed. If there is a god I want to watch the punishments handed down not just hear about from some book. My grandfather always gave money to the Catholic church (notice capitals to areas of life don't deserve the recognition). He quit one day. I heard he finally recognized how the money wasn't being used. I come from a long line of religious buffs. More power to them as long as they don't try to conform me.


Chapter Four


     I came to California many times with the intent for a better life. I left as I would recognize the same fall into what I learned young. As I said I am always on the run from what appears as a live memory ready to strike at any moment. I wanted to leave my horrible family ties behind. I did. They found me eventually. No problem in being found. I have fun talking with some of my relatives. Problem is nothing has changed in my life. The weather is better for me. My daughter wanted to be a dancer. She got what she wanted. My birth son (I didn't raise him) got what he wanted. I still prod along with a brick wall in front of me never to allow me through. If I found a door to open was the right door I probably wouldn't open it. My life has truly been fucked up in many ways. I am still not allowed to even create my own happiness. I feel I am under a hypnosis I can't break away from (probably religion based). I fall to sleep when I go to make a change. I stay awake when I need to sleep. There is no balance for me. Financial prosperity seems like a voodoo curse I should never touch. So it's better I just disappear into some unknown state I don't consciously make right? I want to scream who is causing so much turmoil in my life. If I hear it's Satan (see again getting capital recognition in writing) I will laugh. This is not Satan at work (religion at work). Some people will say and do anything for their tax deduction or to keep the control going. Keep those followers shut up. If it was Satan I wouldn't have a website. I wouldn't be inclined artistically so well. I wouldn't eat right. I wouldn't be as good hearted as I am. I would be evil. I am not evil. I can't tell you how many times I just quit. I can't get through the negative energy. This isn't just one of those I will never succeed. This is you won't succeed by way of intentional infliction of pain. I have tried everything short of beating myself to get this sickness I carry from whatever source out of me. This is wrong. Religion is as evil as mankind can become and claims glory for the evil.


     I look around as I decide what will I do today. I get enough sun. I will work on the remaining writings I need to number on my website. I will enjoy a cool drink inside out of the sun. My experiences seem to be created for me. I don't need a dime. I don't need a dollar. I need a few hundred thousand dollars so I can have a home for myself. I need to succeed as this writer I am. When readers send a message of compliment I am truly touched. My writing was valuable. Would my mother read my writings? Of course not. My father probably would. My family maybe, maybe not. I can create my own ritual too. If I stay dirty for three days to finish my own deadline so what? Why do people pass so much judgement especially when they never lived another's life? How do people perceive? I think everything comes from the way of young lessons? Read my writings. Get to know me better.



A Knife At My Throat, Book Five



Chapter One


     I used to drink a lot. I was taught by the influence from my parents. I wasn't allowed to drink when young. In my thirty years I awoke to the waste of money. I decided I would casual drink at dinner, parties and other events. My smoking days were from the influence too. My daughter when she was young asked me to quit. I tried many times before. Smoking is a very hard habit to stop. Even when I would jog ten miles with the intent to quit I never did. My daughter said she hated the smell. Somehow this worked. I haven't smoked since she was in grade school. This brings back memories of always asking for a cigarette. I am happy I don't smoke anymore.


     Memories of my own small swimming pool in the yard also reminds me how I used to sun bathe alongside of my house. My mother always screamed at me to come in. This was another one of my peaceful moments away from my mother. She should have sun bathed with me. Could be she wouldn't have been so mean. The sun may have put her to sleep to let me escape her. I was always told what man would want me every time I would sun bathe. I wondered how the two had any similar meaning. Doesn't matter anyway. Men bore me. I always hung out at the swimming pools in the apartments I lived. Sun is a very relaxing experience. I even sun bathed on the dock at the bay where I lived. A pirate ship pulled in one time. I haven't sun bathed there since. All I could think was me being pulled into the water then thrown on the pirate ship. It's okay. My shape isn't as pretty as it was when young. I am not missing too much. I still get a bit of sun. I spent a lot of time along the oceans I traveled. Other than the sand crabs and fleas I enjoyed a rest there in the sun once and awhile. A lot of my writings are from my time along the oceans. America has some pretty ocean areas. I visited a lot of lakes too.

     Coloring books, crayons, candy bracelets, thrift stores, penny junk, toy accordions, drums with sticks, toy piano and can of corn for lunch reminds me how my mother called me a clown for wearing makeup. I could never win with her. My skirts were too short right above my knees, shoes too high and anything else wasn't to her standards. How about my own standards? I wasn't allowed my own standards. Everything I did was wrong in my mother's mind. Even going to the local fair was stupid to her. She never went with me. She didn't enjoy anything I did. Apple bobbing, water dunking, winning stuffed animals, the rides and the purpose of a fair didn't excite her. Mothers need to get excited with their children. Especially a mother with a daughter. What is wrong with being a duck standing on the side of the road? Purses without money was no fun either. I would go to school without lunch money. My father would ask where my money went. I just shock my head. I stole a change purse from a classmate once in school because I was hungry. I talked with her a couple years ago. I said did you know I took this. She said she didn't remember. The change purse was leather. I didn't have anything leather in my life until I was much older with my own work money. I understand how people must feel who are so starved for attention or the little things in life. It's a shame everyone doesn't have money in their pockets for the fun times in life. Necessities a lot of people don't have even a dollar. Why does someone die with hundreds of millions of dollars and others can't have one dollar? The scale is as tipped as my mother was.


Chapter Two

     Special occasion dress up clothing was for Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and other dinner events. Visits to relatives was a no show of hats, bonnets and other beautiful attire. My father was strict when it came to use the words showing up the relatives. They could show me lower. This is how he called it showing another up, appearing above another, better than, have more than. Bonnets, white dresses, shoes, purses were for holidays, Sunday school and church. Would my father be awake now if the same bull shit is being preached as when church began to control people? I am not cross. I am honest. The preachers try to make the sermons more acceptable and interesting now. It's still the same bull shit though. Tell the children the truth. Those religious fabricated times were another destructive addition to my growth. Everything was evil unless you went to church. I don't believe in regularity. I believe in spontaniety. Am I going to hell because of my belief? I truly doubt it. Would my father still tell me showing up another is wrong? How did my father figure this as logical? How could a team win if not better than for that game? My memories are full of stupid cobwebs. I received money to give to the preacher in the plate, but no money to eat at school. Religion is a culprit of insane teachings. My mother may have been forced to follow insane teachings.


     Outer space with asteroids floating around called heaven still baffles me as was intended. The picture of the castle in the sky as more important than my life was just as destructive as my mother. I really don't like religion. I really don't like my mother. A continual subject of both will always remind me how honor is a given want not a force. The use of children and adults against not of their faith is unforgivable. I didn't say there isn't a castle in the sky. Anything is possible and many things are probable. Noah's ark never saved me. Science projects had more energy without guilt trips. I see the gray spectrum. I see the color spectrum. Footballs to play with were another spectrum. Basketball, softball, baseball, bouncing balls and golf balls were a few more spectrums in my life. These still are spectrums if you take the time to watch how the changes in light occur around the objects and use of the objects. Any object actually has a spectrum. We all have spectrums. I had my own angel halos too. Don't bounce the ball in the house. If you want to play go outside. Who said I was playing? If you don't see the spectrum doesn't mean there isn't a spectrum. Electronics has always been in existence. Just now we are being given these to control us. We happen to find a good use for the cell phone to make that surveillance a bit more ok. If you don't think televisions have a brain now as your car go back to school and take mathematics again. Is the reason for teaching a different mathematic system now to not educate people right?


     Kids still receive the fire truck, police car, ambulance, toy cars, flying saucers, movable people, animals and any other imaginable play apparatus turns us into one of those drivers sooner or later. I had the nurse bag too. Cover me with a blanket as a baby means I can't sleep without a blanket when an adult. Yes? No? Nap time still comes around as when in first grade. I didn't go to kindergarten. There wasn't kindergarten. I was the baby sitter so I never had a baby sitter for myself. The cat with glaring eyes run by battery was fun. I yet to find Santa eat any cookies I place on the table with milk. Gold fish have a story to tell about life as much as elephants. Memories never end. Once you leave this body and mind the heart takes over to remember all. I don't mean the physical heart. Don't doubt the real truth. Why do people doubt the real truth and believe less than the truth? Prayer received for everyone around me to benefit. What about my benefit? The religious story is full of holes.



Chapter Three


     To count rocks and sea shells is another great lesson to understand why is there life. I don't care to understand life. My Chinese diamond ring is my favorite of all rings of all of my years of life. The decadence of a decade is another fact to pontificate on. I escape guns and live by a beautiful ocean with today never over. I will see you long after today isn't over. If you think today is over try tomorrow as nothing more than another today. Made to stand in a corner in grade school for having to go to the bathroom is still unforgivable. I peed my pants in front of the whole class. Teacher abuse ran rampid. It wasn't called abuse. Training a child for life by standing a child in a corner for the need to go to the bathroom. Nazi tactics have been around since the beginning of time. Do you really think anything on this planet will change for the better? Why do you continually try to get me to fight for a cause? I fight for causes every day of my life. I still don't see one change in the spectrum of world life. Betterment for one is challenging. Betterment for all is impossible.

     In school I studied wood carving, sewing and mechanics as extra school credit. I should have taken psychology to understand my mother and how to live through her. I didn't feel the time would have fixed anything she did to me. The rejection I received was intentional. Every day is a struggle not to walk in her footsteps or become like her. Have you heard the saying like mother like daughter? My identity was destroyed by her. My identity is very weak now. Not only do religious buffs steal my identity for their holy story my own mother did. I call their story full of holes with the e removed from holy. I can't be sorry for what I say is true. I am not sorry for how I feel about my mother. She had me, but with no right to destroy me. Why do religious buffs feel sorry for me? Why do they intentionally look for ways to make me feel guilty? Sounds just like my mother was. I don't spend my time feeling sorry for anyone really. When scripture is well in all books and taught as true in all respects of life I might have a different view. My mother never changed. Religious buffs never change. A wake up call can be a religious story. A wake up call was my mother. When something is being taught is older than I am and hasn't changed there is a real problem. And, country living biblically in relation to city living are two different scenarios. As my mother was in her one scenario I am in another. Don't clue me in on anything. Don't read my story to degrade my value as a person. I don't read anyone's story to degrade their person. How do you know I need to be saved?


Chapter Four

     I played with crickets, grasshoppers, lady bugs, ants on their ant hills. I sprayed the ants dead in the kitchen. Funny how I could play with ants one moment then spray them dead. Centipedes were interesting. I was afraid of water bugs. I was a country child. I didn't like moths. They have wings made of powder. I pinned a few bugs to boards in science class as much as a typical butterfly catcher with my net. In some ways I was a spoiled brat. My mother called me a spoiled brat. I never liked to put a worm on a fishing hook. I played with worms in the rain. I fished in mud puddles to catch nothing. As I sit in the back seat of my car driven for me airplanes fly over. I am always the driver. Time for me to imagine just like I was taught in religion. I stretch my legs that never stretch. I relax from a hot day will just return again. My doll house, my stuffed monkey with other stuffed toys and my own airplane I would sleep with. Dragon flies never frightened me. The bumble bee still makes me run. I think it is the buzzzzzzzzzzz sound. My fur wraps, coats, hand held fans and other necessities come to mind. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly all in one house.

     I forgot the yoyo, bubble gum, frisbee, china dolls, jewelry box, one real silver chain and ring, sachets and mood ring on my finger sitting at the top of my stairs with nowhere to go. Construction paper, glue, scizzors, wonderment, bathing suit I took I had to return, broken dresser drawers, vanity, big old mirrors, bed always falling apart, lumpy mattress, cob webs, daddy long legs, potato head and building blocks I had. Legos, electric train with a real horn and steam, head bands, snot on the walls, chickens and pigs, calorie counter books and magazines remind me nothing has changed. Money spends itself. Watermelon, hot dogs, hamburgers, corn on the cob, pickles, mustard, ketchup, mayo, beer, wine, etc. shows nothing has changed. Can afford this. Can't afford that. First piece of gum I took when a baby at the counter I had to return. Baby oil, sunscreen lotion, tanning lotion, confetti pops, segregation, greeting cards, designers, photographers, producers, sun glasses, air freshener and paper bags are still the same. Spirits of lust and purity still exist. Diversity hasn't changed. God isn't sorry for anything. My little red wagon, homemade ice cream, baby food, formulas of one or another for some reason stops me to question was I breast fed or bottle? Can I ever have white teeth? I don't need sympathy. I need hundreds of thousands of dollars to have my own place to live. I use to always repeat myself when young. I still do now. Policy is full of shit. Diplomacy seems worse. Why is mistletoe only for Christmas? (see how religion takes everything for their own without asking. Entitlement thought I guess.

     Chinese checkers was fun. The stick horse another fave toy when young. For the bashers and judgement pushers, robotic created religious soldiers on the planet and in the universe I suppose you never learned how to keep your mouths shut and live your own lives. Go take a lesson in what real life and love are in fate. See you there to laugh in your faces. Snakes who hide behind religion are not my cup of tea thank you. I can be just as much of a judgement pusher.



     My birthson who I didn't raise decides he has any right as a Christian minister (who deserves no respect from no respect shown) or just his adopted selfish attitude no less to go anywhere he pleases with reference to my life never to tell me. Not only after I give him the name of his probable father when no one wanted to assume responsibility, he never tells me he went to visit him, took tests, pictures and anything else until I asked. Dominion is a Christian minister characteristic I guess or just a typical male encounter of evil. He then proceeds to visit my mother in a supposed nursing home where no one can get in and the guards are heavy according to my so loving another distant brother. He just can't get a picture. What he doesn't understand are the birds generally tweet the truth eventually and everything is exposed. No one really hides behind the robe for long. See through is the gown any color. The lies from my house residents since childhood never seem to end. The carryover of isolation also doesn't end. The feeling anything goes is okay no care to the pain caused. Sorrow over and over begged forgiveness is not on my acceptance level of intelligience. I get this bit of bull shit after for the past more than thirty years I lived in peace away from my family. I guess they just can't let go. They certainly don't know how to apologize for real and make amends the right way. Honesty must be a lost treasure handed down the blood line of my family. Frankly no one cared about me anyway or wanted me except my father. He was gone so why stay around isolation on a continual level of familiar environment. The sister is another age old well thank you mentioned in my previous story books for how about we all move along in life. Not possible in my relating born in to hell existence. I should have thrown snakes at all of them just to see if they knew how to catch. Snakes know snakes as the meaning to this last line. Well dear sister then why do you isolate me from your family? Afraid truth will bare all? I can't get over how many people hurt each other every moment of alive time regardless of beginning senses. My other distant brother none of his friends knew I even existed holds more to my fanciful story. I am to blame of course. Like a rapist who commits the crime then accuses the victim. I am happy to say I don't need to be on my knees for forgiveness. The guilt trip continues as no one wants to go to hell alone. Skype everyone and see them all not know why or run in business of another nature.

     My family involves my daughter, omits me, and stands looking like nothing is wrong. The best line was "I don't want my family hearing this." The truth? Open your book to go back to school. You need it.

     To my birth son who I am only the birth mother of go it alone or with your hellish buddies in my family or outside of. You come to visit me on my birthday then off to visit my mother, whoever else and where I was born without an invite to accompany you. You didn't even tell me. You are full of shit needs to be removed from your Christmas/birthday card mentality.            Thank you, now goodbye. Love isn't only a greeting card or life in your own way as the only right of experience. 


     Memory comes to mind of croquette, fishing, art modeling, lingerie modeling and wanting to buy my father's house. I want to tell all of my family members face value a serious lecture. I don't think I will fall into any type of hell you will fall into. APOLOGY is the first step to saving your souls. Never acting so horribly, disgustingly power tripping is the second step. True punishment for your actions is the third step to realization of your wrong doing. Instead keep thinking you are fine by your home made self beliefs. You make fools of yourselves more. More fun is how I was removed from my 1969, 1970 class register in highschool. Who performed this disturbing act of illiminating me from my normal growth? Was this another family attribute to be sure I never resurfaced at home? Interesting how as soon as I grow a need to walk through my old neighborhood a new event breaks my peace of mind I might be welcome in my own home town. Definately reminds me how I was never wanted at home. How I am not welcome or wanted by my family. How I continue to live with people who have lied about me never to shake their own lives. So, who influenced this? I know haters exist especially to free body, mind people. Do you people truly feel you have the right to destroy any life you want and it's ok? You have done nothing wrong right? All of you need a new book of discipline and it isn't the bible of any abridged making. Did you raise your children to believe your lies about me? Best of my story is I never did anything wrong to any of you people in any way, shape or form. I don't do anything wrong to you now. I just ask you face the facts you have lied about me, to me, of me and any other game playing you create as real isn't real. I need to face only the facts of this past paragraph now moving into my evening enjoyment pleasure to create a life for myself you have no interest in playing a positive part of. No worries. I have survived. I will survive through all you throw at me. Better yet how do you live knowing dad's hard earned home isn't his anymore and could have been? How do you live with all of the contents we all were a part of in dad's house? And on and on the saga of my life goes with next?

My Hollywood Girl, Jessica Shawn Vitale
Lyric and Poetry Readings
15 Single Page Book Pages
17 Single Page Book Pages
19 Single Page Book Pages
1. 9 Video Poetry Story Readings
2. 12 Video Poetry Story Readings
3. 10 Video Poetry Story Readings
4. 31 Video Poetry Story Readings
5. 15 Video Poetry Story Readings
6. 8 Video Poetry Story Readings
7. 14 Video Poetry Story Readings
8. 20 Video Poetry Story Readings
9. 22 Video Poetry Story Readings
10. 23 Video Poetry Story Readings
11. 14 Video Poetry Story Readings
12. 8 Video Poetry Story Readings
13. 8 Video Poetry Story Readings
14. 8 Video Poetry Story Readings
15. 9 Video Poetry Story Readings
16. 14 Video Poetry Story Readings
Page 1. 15 Writings + 15 as of April 29 2018
Page 2. 16 Writings + 10 as of May 5 2018
Page 3. 14 Writings + 8 as of May 10 2018
Page 4. 11 Writings + 12 as of May 12 2018
Page 5. 10 Writings + 14 as of May 19 2018
Page 6. 13 Writings + 10 as of May 29 2018
Page 7. 12 Writings + 11 as of May 29 2018
Page 8. 12 Writings + 9 as of May 29 2018
Page 9. 12 Writings + 7 as of June 3 2018
Page 10. 9 Writings + 8 as of June 3 2018
Page 11. 16 Writings + 9 as of June 9 2018
Page 12. 11 Writings + 7 as of June 9 2018
Page 13. 11 Writings + 8 as of June 16 2018
Page 14. 9 Writings + 12 as of June 20 2018
Page 15. 10 Writings + 9 as of June 28 2018
Page 16. 12 Writings + 14 as of July 3 2018
PAge 17. 17 Writings + 12 as of July 8 2018
Page 18. 17 Writings + 11 as of July 15 2018
Page 19. 10 Writings + 12 as of July 30 2018
Page 20. 20 Writings + 14 as of July 30 2018
Page 21. 9 Writings + 8 as of August 11 2018
Page 22. 23 Writings + 8 as of August 11 2018
Page 23. 20 Writings + 8 as of August 11 2018
Page 24. 19 Writings + 10 as of September 16 2018
Page 25. 14 Writings + 11 as of September 16 2018
Page 26. 19 Writings + 8 as of November 3 2018
Page 27. 11 Writings + 8 as of November 3 2018
Page 28. 16 Writings + 10 as of October 25 2018
Page 29. 27 Writings + 8 as of October 25 2018
Page 30. 30 Writings + 11 as of November 12 2018
Page 31. 23 Writings
Page 32. 17 Writings
Page 33. 11 Writings
Page 34. 17 Writings
Page 35. 12 Writings
Page 36. 13 Writings
Page 37. 23 Writings
Page 38. 13 Writings
Page 39. 17 Writings
Page 40. 12 Writings
Page 41. 14 Writings
Page 42. 24 Writings
Page 43. 19 Writings
Page 44. 16 Writings
Page 45. 12 Writings
Page 46. 13 Writings
Page 47. 17 Writings
Page 48. 18 Writings
Page 49. 9 Writings
Page 50. 20 Writings
Page 51. 17 Writings
Page 52. 12 Writing
Page 53. 25 Writings
Page 54. 17 Writings
Page 55. 16 Writings
Page 56. 22 Writings
Page 57. 15 Writings
Page 58. 22 Writings
Page 59. 28 Writings
Page 60. 25 Writings
Page 61. 13 Writings
Page 62. 14 Writings
Page 63. 20 Writings
Page 64. 20 Writings
Page 65. 18 Writings
Page 66. 20 Writings
Page 67. 16 Writings
Page 68. 17 Writings
Page 69. 17 Writings
Page 70. 23 Writings
Page 71. 10 Writings
Page 72. 20 Writings
PAGE 73. 9 Writings
Page 74. 9 Writings
Page 75. 20 Writings
Page 76. 8 Writings
Page 77. 12 Writings
Page 78. 15 Writings
Page 79. 21 Writings
Page 80. 8 Writings
Page 81. 9 Writings
Page 82. 15 Writings
Page 83. 22 Writings
Page 84. 10 Writings
Page 85. 25 Writings
Page 86. 12 Writings
Page 87. 23 Writings
PAGE 88. 21 Writings
PAGE 89. 17 Writings
PAGE 90. 18 Writings
PAGE 91. 9 Writings
Page 92. 17 Writings
Page 93. 20 Writings
Page 94. 22 Writings
Page 95. 24 Writings
Page 96. 16 Writings
Page 97. 15 Writings
Page 98. 10 Writings
Page 99. 35 Writings
Page 100. 39 Writings
Page 101. 11 Writings
Page 102. 11 Writings
Page 103. 12 Writings
Page 104. 19 Writings
Page 105. 19 Writings
Page 106. 18 Writings
Page 107. 19 Writings
Page 108. 19 Writings
Page 109. 15 Writings
Page 110. 16 Writings
Page 111. 18 Writings
Page 112. 10 Writings
Page 113. 18 Writings
Page 114. 12 Writings
Page 115. 16 Writings
Page 116. 17 Writings
Page 117. 20 Writings
Page 118. 10 Writings
Page 119. 11 Writings
Page 120. 11 Writings
Page 121. 11 Writings
Page 122. 36 Writings
Page 123. 39 Writings
Page 124. 27 Writings
Page 125. 53 Writings
Page 126. 27 Writings
Page 127. 45 Writings
Page 128. 58 Writings
Page 129. 16 Writings
Page 130. 51 Writings
Page 131. 20 Writings
Page 132. 46 Writings
Page 133. 35 Writings
Page 134. 14 Writings
Page 135. 20 Writings
Page 136. 16 Writings
Page 137. 30 Writings
Page 138. 19 Writings
Page 139. 16 Writings
Page 140. 18 Writings
Page 141. 22 Writings
Page 142. 19 Writings
Page 143. 18 Writings
Page 144. 16 Writings
Page 145. 22 Writings
Page 146. 16 Writings
Page 147. 17 Writings
Page 148. 16 Writings
Page 149. 23 Writings
Page 150. 16 Writings
Page 151. 19 Writings
Page 152. 16 Writings
Page 153. 19 Writings
Page 154. 18 Writings
Page 155. 22 Writings
Page 156. 21 Writings
Page 157. 22 Writings
Page 158. 17 Writings
Page 159. 83 Writings
Page 160. 21 Writings
Page 161. 23 Writings
Page 162. 18 Writings
Page 163. 20 Writings
Page 164. 22 Writings
Page 165. 16 Writings
Page 166. 18 Writings
Page 167. 20 Writings
Page 168. 18 Writings
Page 169. 14 Writings
Page 170. 15 Writings
Page 171. 15 Writings
Page 172. 17 Writings
Page 173. 14 Writings
Page 174. 16 Writings
Page 175. 21 Writings
Page 176. 16 Writings
Page 177. 28 Writings
Page 178. 24 Writings
Page 179. 14 Writings
Page 180. 14 Writings
Page 181. 14 Writings
Page 182. 22 Writings
Page 183. 12 Writings
Page 184. 15 Writings
Page 185. 12 Writings
Page 186. 24 Writings
Page 187. 13 Writings
Page 188. 12 Writings
Page 189. 10 Writings
Page 190. 24 Writings
Page 191. 10 Writings
Page 192. 21 Writings
Page 193. 9 Writings
Page 194. 21 Writings
Page 195. 10 Writings
Page 196. 13 Writings
Page 197. 75 Writings
Page 198. 36 Writings
Page 199. 15 Writings
Page 200. 59 Writings
Page 201. 52 Writings
Page 202. 87 Writings
Page 203. 41 Writings
Page 204. 79 Writings
Page 205. 30 Writings
Page 206. 81 Writings
Page 207. 32 Writings
Page 208. 14 Writings
Page 209. 66 Writings
Page 210. 33 Writings
Page 211. 63 Writings
Page 212. 24 Writings
Page 213. 28 Writings
Page 214. 31 Writings
Page 215. 42 Writings
Page 216. 46 Writings
Page 217. 36 Writings
Page 218. 28 Writings
Page 219. 58 Writings
Page 220. 29 Writings
Page 221. 28 Writings
Page 222. 8 Writings
Page 223. 80 Writings
Page 224. 10 Writings
Page 225. 67 Writings
Page 226. 35 Writings
Page 227. 13 Writings
Page 228. 9 Writings
Page 229. 77 Writings
Page 230. 48 Writings
Page 231. 40 Writings
Page 232. 13 Writings
Page 233. 73 Writings
Page 234. 11 Writings
Page 235. 40 Writings
Page 236. 14 Writings
Page 237. 38 Writings
Page 238. 58 Writings
Page 239. 35 Writings
Page 240. 137 Writings
Page 241. 57 Writings
Page 242. 38 Writings
Page 243. 16 Writings
Page 244. 11 Writings
Page 245. 37 Writings
Page 246. 78 Writings
Page 247. 46 Writings
Page 248. 30 Writings
Page 249. 29 Writings
Page 250. 37 Writings
Page 251. 47 Writings
Page 252. 10 Writings
Page 253. 52 Writings
Page 254. 59 Writings
Page 255. 18 Writings
Page 256. 21 Writings
Page 257. 25 Writings
Page 258. 13 Writings
Page 259. 11 Writings
Page 260. 14 Writings
Page 261. 23 Writings
Page 262. 18 Writings
Page 263. 23 Writings
Page 264. 17 Writings
Page 265. 14 Writings
Page 266. 21 Writings
Page 267. 12 Writings
Page 268. 21 Writings
Page 269. 23 Writings
Page 270. 15 Writings
Page 271. 20 Writings
Page 272. 23 Writings
Page 273. 19 Writings
Page 274. 17 Writings
Page 275. 10 Writings
Page 276. 25 Writings
Page 277. 21 Writings
Page 278. 12 Writings
Page 279. 21 Writings
Page 280. 16 Writings
Page 281. 19 Writings
Page 282. 17 Writings
Page 283. 15 Writings
Page 284. 20 Writings
Page 285. 18 Writings
Page 286. 15 Writings
Page 287. 35 Writings
Page 288. 17 Writings
Page 289. 25 Writings
Page 290. 16 Writings
Page 291. 17 Writings
Page 292. 20 Writings
Page 293. 21 Writings
Page 294. 19 Writings
Page 295. 12 Writings
Page 296. 15 Writings
Page 297. 16 Writings
Page 298. 21 Writings
Page 299. 24 Writings
Page 300. 19 Writings
Page 301. 26 Writings
Page 302. 19 Writings
Page 303. 18 Writings
Page 304. 19 Writings
Page 305. 23 Writings
Page 306. 24 Writings
Page 307. 17 Writings
Page 308. 12 Writings
Page 309. 12 Writings
Page 310. 12 Writings
Page 311. 29 Writings
Page 312. 11 Writing
Page 313. 10 Writings
Page 314. 19 Writings
Page 315. 23 Writings
Page 316. 18 Writings
Page 317. 19 Writings
Page 318. 16 Writings
Page 319. 18 Writings
Page 320. 9 Writings
Page 321. 9 Writings
Page 322. 16 Writings
Page 323. 10 Writings
Page 324. 18 Writings
Page 325. 14 Writings
Page 326. 25 Writings
Page 327. 10 Writings
Page 328. 23 Writings
Page 329. 12 Writings
Page 330. 18 Writings
Page 331. 9 Writings
Page 332. 9 Writings
Page 333. 9 Writings
Page 334. 9 Writings
Page 335. 18 Writings
Page 336. 18 Writings
Page 337. 19 Writings
Page 338. 19 Writings
Page 339. 19 Writings
Page 340. 21 Writings
Page 341. 16 Writings
Page 342. 18 Writings
Page 343. 9 Writings
Page 344. 18 Writings
Page 345. 14 Writings
Page 346. 15 Writings
Page 347. 17 Writings
Page 348. 18 Writings
Page 349. 16 Writings
Page 350. 19 Writings
Page 351. 19 Writings
Page 352. 19 Writings
Page 353. 18 Writings
Page 354. 18 Writings
Page 355. 18 Writings
Page 356. 10 Writings
Page 357. 10 Writings
Page 358. 25 Writings
Page 359. 11 Writings
Page 360. 12 Writings
Page 361. 9 Writings
Page 362. 11 Writings
Page 363. 14 Writings
Page 364. 10 Writings
Page 365. 21 Writings
Page 366. 11 Writings
Page 367. 19 Writings
Page 368. 10 Writings
Page 369. 17 Writings
Page 370. 10 Writings
Page 371. 14 Writings
Page 372. 19 Writings
Page 373. 14 Writings
Page 374. 10 Writings
Page 375. 17 Writings
Page 376. 23 Writings
Page 377. 20 Writings
Page 378. 23 Writings
Page 379. 12 Writings
Page 380. 28 Writings
Page 381. 16 Writings
Page 382. 10 Writings
Page 383. 16 Writings
Page 384. 12 Writings
Page 385. 22 Writings
Page 386. 14 Writings
Page 387. 15 Writings
Page 388. 25 Writings
Page 389. 25 Writings
Page 390. 18 Writings
Page 391. 15 Writings
Page 392. 10 Writings
Page 393. 18 Writings
Page 394. 19 Writings
Page 395. 10 Writings
Page 396. 33 Writings
Page 397. 14 Writings
Page 398. 15 Writings
Page 399. 17 Writings
Page 400. 16 Writings
Page 401. 17 Writings
Page 402. 11 Writings
Page 403. 18 Writings
Page 404. 17 Writings
Page 405. 35 Writings
Page 406. 36 Writings
Page 407. 35 Writings
Page 408. 33 Writings
Page 409. 41 Writings
Page 410. 16 Writings
Page 411. 16 Writings
Page 412. 17 Writings
Page 413. 10 Writings
Page 414. 12 Writings
Page 415. 12 Writings
Page 416. 16 Writings
Page 417. 16 Writings
Page 418. 13 Writings
Page 419. 10 Writings
Page 420. 10 Writings
Page 421. 16 Writings
Page 422. 40 Writings
Page 423. 16 Writings
Page 424. 18 Writings
Page 425. 16 Writings
Page 426. 19 Writings
Page 427. 17 Writings
Page 428. 17 Writings
Page 429. 11 Writings
Page 430. 17 Writings
Page 431. 29 Writings
Page 432. 10 Writings
Page 433. 17 Writings
Page 434. 31 Writings
Page 435. 10 Writings
Page 436. 19 Writings
Page 437. 10 Writings
Page 438. 12 Writings
Page 439. 16 Writings
Page 440. 9 Writings
Page 441. 31 Writings
Page 442. 27 Writings
Page 443. 24 Writings
Page 444. 12 Writings
Page 445. 25 Writings
Page 446. 18 Writings
Page 447. 17 Writings
Page 448. 19 Writings
Page 449. 28 Writings
Page 450. 10 Writings
Page 451. 14 Writings
Page 452. 19 Writings
Page 453. 36 Writings
Page 454. 42 Writings
Page 455. 31 Writings
Page 456. 17 Writings
Page 457. 23 Writings
Page 458. 22 Writings
Page 459. 17 Writings
Page 460. 12 Writings
Page 461. 14 Writings
Page 462. 12 Writings
Page 463. 12 Writings
Page 464. 13 Writings
Page 465. 17 Writings
Page 466. 17 Writings
Page 467. 25 Writings
Page 468. 20 Writings
Page 469. 17 Writings
Page 470. 10 Writings
Page 471. 17 Writings
Page 472. 17 Writings
Page 473. 16 Writings
Page 474. 17 Writings
Page 475. 17 Writings


Making Rain


Making rain this is all I know
Trying to find understanding's road 
Making rain paying with my heart
Once protected by you



Making rain in my sleep
Win this world one time
Making rain I never said goodbye
How time plays with my eyes


Making rain is my life


I speak to no one though I try
Holding reason alive for a song
Just to carry feelings along
I'll follow you after the sun


Making rain is my life

Making rain it's my life


I speak to no one though I try
Holding reason alive for a song
Just to carry feelings along
I'll follow you after the sun


Making rain is my life

Making rain it's my life

Making rain is my life

Making rain it's my life




Only One Light

On a broken old chair
In a dirty old room
With only one light
Only one light
To see my way
Only one light
To shine on me
Only one light
I can't understand
I can't hear why
Only one light
On a broken old chair
In a dirty old room
With only one light


Still trying to remember who wrote roses are red in my yearbook. A few guesses come to mind. 
If anyone remembers please contact me   949-351-5740
Still trying to find one high school picture blue top, hair sixties style from 1969-1970, my high school picture, junior high picture. 
Does anyone remember these? please contact me 949-351-5740




They are truly a demon network of an evil display without even care for their own family and friends. Demoncrats will turn on anything in their path with pleasure to cheat, lie, steal and affix their pain on others. How we as Americans let those evil scum even exist amazes me. In the old days our political fathers would have wiped them off the face of the map. Those Demoncrats will act and speak in any manner they please to destroy America. I sure hope Mr. President has an alternate plan so they are put to silence against our Constitution and Nation. The military needs to finally take over America and put the Demoncrats in their place below America, remove the illegals in political positions and send those Demoncrats to prison for treason. Demoncrats fix elections and tell whopping lies with a smile on their faces. ANYONE WHO SUPPORTS A DEMONCRAT IS A DEMONCRAT DEMONIC RAT. Now now Demoncrats we all have rights to freedom of speech.

Please beware of any links, contacts, content connected to any of my pages or sites. I can not control the activities of visitors or owners of other pages or sites. I try to catch any and all inappropriate behavior for this website. I can not be online at all times. Beware of who you chat with, exchange emails with, entrust money earnings or payments to, visit along with any other presence or knowledge of me, supposedly from me, anything to cause harm. Contact me personally through my email or phone number if you have any questions.