CHILDHOOD LIFE MEMORIES

I was told I was unwanted from the day I was born and always reminded this from my mother.

I was given to my aunt the day I was taken from the hospital and then taken back by my parents two weeks later. I couldn't wait to go to my aunt's house for vacation once a year. Whoever loved me I would like to remember something good from my youth.

I was left alone way too much as a young child growing up.

I was neglected more than given the proper attention for raising a child right.

There was always fighting, drinking, bickering, drunkeness and broken home feelings with never any common understanding of what togetherness and agreement really was as part of the family I came from. This led to me leaving anywhere from anyone even very special people in Hollywood, Ca just cause I couldn't take the fighting between people. I always do whatever I can to close my ears and say fuck this. I am out of here. This has hurt me in many ways for the lost memories of very special connections to very special friends.

I wanted to leave home more than stay.

When my menstrual cycle started at the age of 9 I was told to put a rag on. I was never explained anything by my mother about anything regarding growing up as a girl to a young lady then a woman. Sure I am a woman, but sometimes I sure don't feel like one.

My mother would respond with jealousy when my dad would buy 200 dollars worth of school clothes for the year. This was spoiling me to my mother. I was so unhappy at home it was sickening. She even called me a clown when I put makeup on.

When I tried out to be a cheerleader I was told by my mother to stop making a spectacle of my self. Instead of being positively raised for success in money, life, love I was raised negative.

I was chased by my mother with a knife and locked out of the house in the winter with only my shorts on until my father came home to let me in.

When I wanted my first watch I was refused and stole my first watch. I had to give it back of course. When I needed glasses I was told I was faking and stole my first pair of glasses when in grade school. I had to return this of course. I did have a wagon, rocking horse, bike, birthday cakes, baby dolls, room, bed, closet and other regulars in a house. Would have been more important to have a home. I did try to burn down my room with a match lighting my curtains on fire. Who chose to put it out? I did. I was scared my father would yell at me. I loved taking coins from his coin purse. He would always say Elizabeth did you take from my purse? No, not me was always my answer. The attention I tried to get by stealing a neigbor's wallet and a friend's in school was just that. My need for attention. I was always almost refused for what my needs were as my mother spent all of my father's money and caused so much debt. Eventually they were divorced. I grew beyond this behavior eventually.

When my mother left the who knows how many times for the last time she took all of the videos of the family and pictures of childhood along with anything else she claimed as hers. I don't have any baby pictures or pictures when young. Unfortunately, I noticed I followed the same way to my daughter until I caught the repetition of raising. I tried raising my younger sister and maintaining a school life I later left. I went into the army briefly, but wasn't cut out for the life. My father's encouragement was always to do what he wanted of me. He even chose the first guy I was to marry. In this my first boyfriend engaged to and I broke up. In this I ran away to NYC and had fun. In this I live as confused now as I did when young even though I am older. My life just never had a home. I never had a real home. I never have a real home now. Notice the repeated memory at work.

I must say in all of the negative I had the most enjoyable experiences over the years as to I almost thank my mother for her nasty attitude toward me. I may never have become the writer I am. Same with my father. He is now deceased and once he left the planet I ventured out on all I never got to live. I took my sister in and helped until she chose to leave. I had another boyfriend for who the hell knows why and I look back often to just shake my head in disgust human existences can act so sick. I am happy though my father is gone and not in some old folks home being beaten, pension stolen and other ill willed world experiences. My one brother has never talked to me and my other after forty years we speak again. This energy for whatever reason is insane. And, I have to write this is my personal digest with all legal allowances to reference these people or someone might claim copyright on my life.

My father tried though whatever that means. He would not let me speak with a friend from NYC, NY or even wait to meet him. My father scared me so much I threw his number away. Then after I was 18 he called and gave my father his number asking to give it to me. My father called and said he will not give me the number. In this same time my ex boyfriend says he isn't the father of my child and my new husband says he isn't the father. I said then who is now to find it was my ex boyfriend through a paternity test. Funny, I couldn't convince him of the probability, but when he talks to the son I gave up for adoption now older he said he may be and happy to do the test. My adopted out son doesn't even tell me he was talking to my ex boyfriend even though I gave my adopted out son my ex boyfriend's name. I sent my ex boy friend a message and he never responded. How must I feel or better yet has anyone cared about how I felt or feel now? I was controlled so much like from a military sargeant til now to be so controlled like someone not allowed the truth minute by minute. The control would have been good if it disciplined for advancement, but as in other mentions of my story most was in the negative and still is. I still loved my father and do now by the way. How stupid is that? I didn't say it was uncommon I said how stupid is that. My mother is a different hatred.

My negative still runs over my positive from all of the negative energy from childhood. Seems the mind carries this especially in the many traumatic experiences I had through the years and any in my present time. I didn't say there isn't positive, but the normal for me is the negative.

I still over eat for comfort and wonder where the woman in me really is when under the hood of a car so natural to me. A true life miracle from a true life friend is all I see as my future. This is sad. This stops my decision process to leave me in a mode for nowhere except writing and the very limited common experiences I am used to. I did not say I walk into abuse. I just have a very always negative I was raised with. Uneducated people without word knowledge, definition and understanding for the various expressions caused by or arrived through in my every day life give me a headache. My life often gives me a headache more than I should have. Who the hell chooses another's experiences without consent needs to find reprimand from the thoughtless care to individuality along with many other reasons. I don't knock on anyone's door and walk in with ill will actions from any movement of mine. I deserve the same.